Wow...It's been so long since I've been on Deviantart I have no idea what to say.
Yet as it's four..no, five in the morning I may as well try, eh?

I think that DevArt is something that I have to do in small doses. I love taking pictures and exploring art, yet it seems that if I concentrate on "making art" nothing ever comes of it. Nothing that I can be proud of at least. I've never claimed to be a photographer, yet if I don't try too hard to capture something and just do what feels best it usually turns out much better. Hopefully I'll be getting my own camera soon however, and there will be much experimentation in my future! In waves, as usual, but lots of them!


I just took my first art course in college this semester, and I absolutely loved it. I've learned so much in these past few weeks that it's hard to truly measure. It's not growth in talent, but growth and development in the way that I see, and that makes all the difference in the world.
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I've grown in many ways this semester, not only in my chosen major, but emotionally. Internally.
Being on my own and fulfilling my need for independence has been amazing...I've always been an independent person. Even when I was little I loved being on my own and hated being coddled. Now that I'm away from home I can finally BE independent, and that's a great feeling. I'm not saying that I don't like being with my family, but it's great to truly be able to branch out on my own. Become my own person. Set rules for myself and decide whether or not to break them...
If that makes any sense.


I've made some great friends in school as well. Friends that I feel I'll keep for as long as I'm able. As well as a lover that I wish and hope I can keep forever, though our relationship is still young and unannounced. I know it's foolish to pin all of your hopes on one thing, but I'm sorely tempted to. Theres more to that thought than I could ever communicate in type, so I'll leave off on that.

Sadly, not only have I gained friends, I've lost them. And though that's never something I'm happy to say, people do change and there's truly no avoiding it. I know I've changed, yet only to become more "myself"; To express who I truly am and always was internally. Who I've always yearned to be. Some of my older friends can't accept that: They're too used to me fitting in the neat little box that they made for me long ago, but I need room to breathe away from the lies and masks that I used to hide under.

Now that I no longer wear a mask and I'm truly myself, those who claimed to be close to me before find me unrecognizable.
It's sad, but I can't regret being who I truly am and always was.
I've learned that I need to accept who I am without fear of letting others down or being let down. Or shot down.
And I'm sick of feeling like I have to lie. And hide.

So I've stopped doing it.
If I get hurt, fine, I'll deal with it. But at least I'm finally living my own life and not some fabrication of happiness that others find easy to swallow.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

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That turned out to be much more extensive than I had expected: I didn't know I was so coherent at five...well, now six in the morning!
I have so much more to say...Yet I think I'll have to save it for another entry, another late night.

Goodnight and good morning: I'm off to bed!